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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.